Introducing myself

Anxiety has been a part of my life for… well, always. Even on good days it’s there, inescapably lurking at the back of my mind, reminding me of its presence with the occasional twinge, with my entire attitude to the way I live my life. The fact is, I don’t think I have ever gone a day without it.
So, I have anxiety. A fair bit of it. My main issue is OCD, but I also experience social anxiety, generalised anxiety, panic attacks, and so much of the OCD spectrum that I almost feel perversely proud to cover so many bases all at once.

I wanted to introduce myself here by explaining a little about the kind of OCD I suffer with. Pure-o – generally the lesser known side of OCD. It means ‘pure obsessionality’, although actually it is anything but – we have the same degree of compulsions as washers and checkers, but the compulsions are often invisible. 
OCD is known as the doubting disease and pure-o is no exception. It makes you doubt the very essence of everything you believed you were as a human being. You doubt your character, you obsess that you are not a ‘good person’, you dig up every instance from your past of actions you regret and dissect them over and over, each time convinced that they prove you are a terrible person, evil, damaged, sick. You may experience the cold horror that seeps into every corner of your mind that perhaps you are a pervert or a killer in the making. That every ‘wrong’ thought or image you have ever imagined is proof that you are and have always been the moster you fear you are.

So, you change your behaviour. Keep yourself away from children, relatives, anyone you fear you may harm. Avoid going to certain places and watching certain programmes because they contain images and people that will trigger the anxiety. And when the anxiety starts it’s so, so hard to stop obsessing.
Of course, this is not the only type of so-called pure obsessionality, but it is, in my experience the most pervasive sort and the only kind that can make me seriously consider self-harming.

I’ve been in therapy for 2 years now, most of that time spent doing CBT. I was diagnosed when I was 22, though I’m sure I’ve had OCD since very early childhood. I’m starting to realise that I have a lot to say about these experiences, but after an anxious night and maybe three hours sleep, I don’t think I’m making quite enough sense to continue.

I hope that now I’ve got the intimidating First Post out of the way I can contribute something to the amazing work that is already here.