Today is/was my birthday. I am now 25 years old and no closer to find an end to my lifelong depression and misery. Or a life path for that matter.
Today was a very miserable birthday. Probably the most miserable so far. But don’t take my word for it. Throughout my life, every birthday passed has been “the most miserable birthday so far”.
Despite feeling like utter crap the whole day, I had to put on a “happy act” for the people who trully care about me, you know, the people who “have” to love you, ‘cuz you are family. The “happy act”. I would be better at it after so many years of practise were it not because I abhor the idea of pretending everything is peachy to spare other people’s feelings. I understand WHY one has to do it. After all, it’s not “nice” to be openly honest and blurt out that one is considering ending one’s life on one’s birthday. But it all has a distinctive swift of “if people won’t be there for you when you need them, then they don’t really care that much, do they?”. So who is wrong here? Me for refusing to pretend things are peachy when they are not or the people who don’t want to listen to you if things are NOT peachy? Am I being an inconsiderate bitch or are my relationships with others merely superficial? Does the truth lie somewhere in the middle?
The saddest part is that all this happens with family, as I said, the people who ”have to love you”. Again, it might be because I’m an inconsiderate bitch, and a selfish one at that, but I’ve never had friends who were “there for me” when things weren’t peachy. Then again, I’ve never had any friends when things were a tiny bit peachier either. But of course, things have never been all that peachy in my life, and maybe that’s why I’ve never had any friends in the first place, because people want to be with people who are all the peachy.
I didn’t mean for this post to turn into a depressive rant. I will understand if no one reads it/comments on it. And I will understand it even more if, after a few days, I find it so rubbish that I have to delete it. That said, I would like to know how other people feel on the subject of “relating to others” and how not being peachy affects it all.
I understand what you mean. I’ve found that moving away from family (I now live 3 hours away) helps a lot because they can’t just drop by and if I don’t feel like lying and saying I’m fine when I’m not then I just don’t answer the phone. As for birthdays, I think they usually suck. At least for many depressed people I know. It’s like a reminder of what life is SUPPOSED to be like according to the media, right? Ant it’s so fake. For what it’s worth, happy 25. I’m almost 28 and have just found a friend who listens to me when I feel like crap. That’s right, my first in 28 years. Yay me. Hopefully you’ll find someone like that soon. Take care and thanks for the honesty.
Hi. It’s my birthday today, May 26. I find that all the “big days” have a tendency to weigh me down. Sometimes I think it’s because of just what you say – you tend to be able to remember all those other days of the same date when you felt miserable. And that IS a weight. And then, for me, there is an anxiety that goes along with feeling I must do the things that make loved ones feel that I’m ok.
Recently, I spent some time in a rehab facility because I’d got addicted to my anxiety meds and was very depressed as well. The people there insisted that I should always be honest with people about how I’m feeling. To keep the relationships honest and to prevent me from going into denial. The analogy was to physical illness. If you were struggling through a chronic illness, perhaps you would feel a little more free to say how you’re feeling, thinking that others would understand better and help you to do what you want on that day, other than staying in bed! You’ve got to be a little open I guess.
I have trouble taking this advice but, when I do, when I allow myself to have what I want, or something that I want, often in consultation with the people who love me, it takes off a bit of the weight.
And especially if you were so depressed yesterday that you felt you couldn’t make it through the day, I do very much hope that you have someone to talk to.
Thinking of you.
Gawd, birthdays are the pits, aren’t they. I’m approaching my 21st and I’m wondering whether to let it pass without comment. I think the expectation makes things worse, it’s like Christmas. Everyone assumes you’re happy because these are generally accepted to be happy times.
As for the friendship thing, it’s a tricky one. I think sometimes when I’m really depressed it’s easier to think that all my friends just don’t understand me at all when actually they’re the same people they always were ie. basically good, and yeah, they might not have that all-seeing understanding I’d like to experience but then… I think I might be creeped out if they suddenly did! When I’m going through my loneliest times I try and remind myself that the times my friends have helped me the most is when they’ve not been trying to help and I’ve not been looking for them to help. And if you ever badly need people who understand depression, you’ve always got here.
Thanks so much, everyone! And Happy Birthday to you too, Hysperia!
M, your comment made me feel hopeful again that maybe, just maybe, I can still find a friend who will trully listen to me when I’m feeling like crap. (It’s hard for the friendless, it really is).
[...] a small dose of sweetness. Inspired by M’s comment on my last [...]
Only just seen your post marytracy, and birthdays are in a pain. Mine is 2 days before Xmas (and I’m an irreconcilable atheist…) and the family malarky is all mixed up with it. And all the bloody pretence as well.
“That said, I would like to know how other people feel on the subject of “relating to others” and how not being peachy affects it all. ”
You have raised important issues (and don’t delete the post it’s good!) esp. relating to others. I find it hard mainly cos of explaining where my head is at, with friends, work colleagues, partners and so on. I end up keeping a lot to myself as responses aren’t always helpful (not bad just not understanding).
A lot of the time people don’t know what to say. I suppose I am closer to people who have/had experiences of mental distress as, usually tho’ not always on the same wavelength.
I can really relate to Gramsci’s pessimism of the mind, optimism of the will. I am a cheery depressive
Happy belated birthday btw
Louise