Please note this post could be triggering to self-harmers and recovering/ex self-harmers.
My boyfriend bought me a car. He lives in Norway, he transferred me the money so he could buy me a car. In fact he bought me my dream car; a pink Mini. I have named her Rosa, after Rosa Parks, and because it’s the Norwegian word for pink.
I live on Incapacity Benefit and the meagre tax credits I receive because I have a small child. I could not have bought this car without my boyfriend’s kindness. And I cannot finance the insurance/tax without quitting smoking.
That’s a scary thing to write. I am quitting smoking. Officially I have quit smoking as of yesterday, though I had one-and-a-half cigarettes at around 10pm as I sat in the garden reading. I needed to take the edge off it. Today I have not smoked at all, and I think one-and-a-half cigarettes over two days is pretty good.
My therapist asked if I thought quitting smoking was a good idea right now. Carol never tells me anything is a bad idea, she never tells me I should or shouldn’t or ought or oughtn’t. She just asks if I think something is a good idea… that is her way of telling me she thinks it is a bad idea.
In the short two days my head has turned upside-down.
I stopped self-harming at the end of 2004. Aside from one occasion in November 07, I have not self-harmed in nearly four years. I promised myself that I would do everything in my power to prevent myself from doing it.
I am wondering, now, if smoking is perhaps a psychological substitution for self-harm.
In the two days since I ‘quit’ I have found myself craving self-harm in a way I thought I had left behind. I have found myself banging my wrists and pinching my skin and, on more occasions than I would like to admit, dreaming about once again picking up a blade.
Cigarettes are after all bad for us. We all know that. I am told that there is a far higher percentage of smokers in mentally ill people than in the general populace. I wonder if it’s another form of self-harm, a more subtle one, a more socially acceptable one?
All I know is that I did not want to quit smoking. I like smoking, and don’t much care that it is bad for me. It keeps me from going mad and seemingly it keeps me from self-harming.
But I do not have the privilege as the general populace do, of having a spare forty pounds a month for car insurance. This is a position that I am sure many of the readers and writers here understand – to live on IB is to live in poverty. I am unsure even now if I will be able to afford petrol and recurring tax/MOTs on the vehicle. But it is something I really wanted, so I will try.
Now I just need to try not to walk down the road of self-injury again… or perhaps to ask myself if it’s worth what this is doing to my mental health?
I would appreciate it if people would be somewhat sensitive in any comments made. I understand there are people who might want to tell me to suck it up. I really don’t need to hear that right now, even if you think smoking is stupid… at least understand that the withdrawal is very real and that for those of us who appear to have been using it as a psychological replacement for self-harm, it is potentially very dangerous.
What a beautiful car! As for the smoking/self harm stuff, I can say that it is certainly true for me that I have less self harm urges when I smoke. It’s pretty obvious that for me they are connected because every time I smoke I think about the harm it is doing to me. Doesn’t make it any easier to quit though, does it? Good luck and thanks for sharing.
Anji
That is a beautiful car! I think the issue of smoking as self harm is a complicated one. Certainly smoking is not good for you, but then we do a lot of things that are not good for us to varying degrees. I may compulsively eat a bag of Cheetoh’s for example.
I wouldn’t charge ahead with not smoking “no matter what.” If it is risking you some of your hard-won gains, then my suggestion would be to back up, regroup, and be mindful about what you can learn from this experience. If you do go back to smoking, don’t perceive it as a “failure.” You can always quit another time, another day.
Best wishes in your struggle.
Barry
http://dharmashrink.wordpress.com/
Though i’m not a smoker i can see completely how it’s like a replacement.
Often in the world of mental illness we have ‘coping mechanisms’. Smoking is one (even for ‘normal’ people), self-harm is one. And there’s drinking, drugs, shopping, eating, eating disorders, obsessions, compulsions, etc etc – they’re all coping mechanisms too. So it makes perfect sense that if you overcome one you pick up another. Whenever i go into relapse from my eating disorder i start cutting myself again.
My suggestion would be to find a healthy way of dealing with the urges – a new habit or hobby that you can do when you’re stressed. Tips for giving up both self-harm and smoking have suggestions of things you can do instead – it might be worth having a look.
Good luck!
As an ex-smoker and (sort of) ex-self harmer, I can totally understand how you’re feeling. Weirdly, I found the smoking easier to give up.
I wish I could give better advice than to say take one hour at a time, but it’s honestly how I coped. Well that and the anti-depressants and therapy (!). But my GP – who thank god is amazing – told me that if I got through an hour in one piece, then I should congratulate myself. And it did help.
Good luck x
PS. cracking good car!
I would second what josie said – it might be a slow process, but finding something to do when you feel the urge to smoke/harm might transfer the fixation. Mine is making stuff – whether it’s food or crochet or writing; if I can start thinking about something else (the hardest part) then I can almost trick myself into not thinking about the depression. Best of luck, anji, and your car is *brilliant*
People are expected to live on a meagre amount of money that leads to poverty. While the likes of James Purnell wants to get even tougher on the poor….. Horrible man!
Sorry… New Labour policies on welfare reform make me so angry.
Self-harming is a coping strategy, and I know when I am really at the lowest depths I too have flashes of cutting.
As you are going through so much stress it is understandable you are feeling this way and having thoughts of self-harming. Good luck anyway Anji and like everyone else, it is a stunning and rather dinky looking car.
I think I’d agree with Barry in saying that smoking could be equated with something you do that isn’t necessarily good for you, but helps cheer you up (like eating chocolate). Then again I’m one of those irritating ‘casual smokers’ who only smoke when someone offers them a cigarette… I don’t think I equate my smoking with unconscious self harm, there are plenty of other things I do instead, unfortunately.
Good luck giving up and remember don’t beat yourself up too much if you can’t manage it this time.
I don’t have anything useful to say except maybe trying to give up more slowly? That way you won’t get too frustrated if you can’t do it all in one go.
I wish you the best and hope things get better for you and your baby.
(PS: can I have a boyfriend from Norway too?)
Good luck
Cute car. Hope you manage to do find some healthier coping mechanisms in the future, but in the meantime give yourself a break, and I too hope things improve for you.
I’m an ex-smoker, and like you, I found giving up exceptionally hard, mentally. In fact, it took several attempts because the first few times I was scared of losing my sanity & I thought smoking would be a better option.
I did manage to do it, though, and I can assure you that it’s not half as bad as you probably feel it’s going to be in the first few days. To be honest, it took around 3 months to get back on a properly even keel, but you’ll feel SO much better afterwards & having that money makes such a huge difference on a minimal income. Why give it to the cigarette companies & government?
Just remember your mind’ll do anything to keep you smoking at first, so those self-harm thoughts are just that. I agree that it probably was a substitute for self harm originally, but it doesn’t mean you have to go back to that. Now the car is a substitute for smoking instead.
I wish you all the very very best. Don’t worry & don’t lose hope!
Hey,
I completely understand. I started smoking at round the same time my depression got bad (pretty soon after my first overdose). People would say it was bad for me and I was like… “I’m suicidally depressed. I think you’re missing the point!”
Good luck with everything!
the whole thing is so hard and complicated, Its like life is unpredictable even while people are trying to make out like its Your problem, Like youre the one who’s being over sensetive or something. Smoking and Self harming are so fecking difficult to give up. I don’t know which is worse.
Practically I do think we all need our vices and maybe giving up both completely will be too difficult.
From personal experience I know when I’m not doing one I’m doing the other and sometimes even both. although I haven’t properly self harmed for ages coz it really upsets my family. I wish I knew another way coz as far as I see it no hobby is ever going to help me when I’m stressed out my head or having deep cravings. I think we’re drawn to the concept of a lifeline in times of desparation even if it doesn’t help all that much its better than nothing.
I find it so invasive when people notice my self harming like theyre the ones looking too hard and spying on me they should just leave it ..
I can really identify with yur story, you want to do whats best for you and the people around you but its not always that easy, I dunno anyway my best suggestion is just to have maybe one cig a day and try to only cut when you really need to. . . x
I’ve tried quitting smoking about five times now (often not by choice…kind of hard to smoke when you’re broke and can’t even find a partial butt in the ashtray…).
Each time I’ve found myself scratching my arms, not with a blade thankfully, but with my nails, or a toothpick, or anything that will cause that sharp pain and release endorphins.
I’m so sick of everyone saying ‘go exercise’, ‘go read a book’, do this, do this, do this…it’s not working for me and for each hour that passes it’s getting worse.
I would honestly rather died with a tube sticking out of my throat then go another day like this…though I probably wouldn’t say that if I had some damn nicotine in my system.
Anyway, I know this post is about a year old…I just had to ‘talk’ to someone. I hope you did well.
Saitaina – actually I failed pretty spectacularly, and am still smoking. I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time, too.