If you’ve been following this blog, you probably know very little about me. I have been keeping a low profile, which is strange for me since I’m usually an “over shearer”. I think hiding in the intertube’s shadows has been a reflection of my emotional state. Unable to accept my life; or to accept that I am alive. Afraid of being rejected if anyone found out who I am. (It’s not that I’m particularly “bad” or anything, it’s just that I’ve been rejected many times in the past). It’s been rather important for me to not be rejected in the intertubes, since the people in it are practically the only ones I interact with. It’s also the case that in the intertubes I’ve found the closest thing to a place I feel I belong to.
I have recently made a commitment to stay on this planet. In short: to live. This means accepting my life and moving to change it; being open and honest. And learning to accept rejection. In order to do this, I am going to reveal who I am. I hope it helps me.
[Don’t worry if you don’t understand any of this. Read if you are interested in my humble story.]
My real name is Maria. I was born in Buenos Aires, Argentina, on the 25th of May, 1983. This means that, much to my dislike, I’m currently 25 years old. I’ve had depression for as long as I can remember. It seems like I am slightly better now, but it could be a false alarm; there have been some in the past.
When I was 20 I moved with my family to Barcelona, Spain. After 6 months I moved to St Albans, England, UK to study Astrophysics at the University of Hertfordshire. Four years later, I (somehow) graduated. Because I had run out of money, I had to come back to my parents’ in Barcelona. I descended (further) into a depressive black hole out of which I am barely coming out today.
My nationality is both Argentinean and Spanish. I am a “Latina” for the USatians and a “Spaniard” for the UKazians. So I would define myself as “white”, but not “white enough”. (In case anyone wonders, I was conceived after the Malvinas/Focklands war ended).
I want to be a writer/(f)artist one day. (Oh noes, not yet another young feminist who wants to be a writer!). I know it will be particularly difficult for me since I write in English, which is not my first language. But I don’t care.
Part of the reason why I fell into depression for so long was because I had spent 4 years studying a course that will not lead me nicely to a stable job. I cannot work as an “astrophysicist” unless I spend another 10 years studying and get a PhD and two post docs all before retiring. I feel like I’m back to square one; only with considerably less money and more years on my back.
I don’t have much idea of what I’m going to do with my life, whether I’ll be able to survive as a writer or even as a feminist. But I’ve made a commitment to stay on this planet, and I’m planning to stick to it.
Some months ago I (somehow) found a job. It turned out to be Hell on a stick but it has allowed me to save money to return to the UK. And that’s going to be my next move.
(more to come)
hi maria,
it is great that you have made such a conscious decision to live. i like how you have connected this to the need to be honest and open, and about ‘revealing’ who you are. i really agree with this, to be able to change & move forward in a positive way, we need to be able to accept all parts of ourselves. i am trying to do this myself. look forward to reading more posts.
Hey Maria. I think deciding to be open, honest and accept your life is a very courageous desicion and a great step forward.
I think lots of people feel lost when they finish their degrees or have to change their life drastically for some reason. Another friend decided to go and do a Masters in animation recently – a big decision as she’s in her 50s and is now very depressed that she can’t get a job in animation.. so you’re certainly not alone in how you feel.
I hope you don’t feel that your degree was a waste of time, as it will have given you a unique perspective and life experience that you can bring to your writing. Plus I assume it helped you realise that you would prefer to live in the UK…. in fact don’t forget that your whole background gives you unique and worthwhile things to say/write/draw.
*hugs*
Thanks so much, girlycomic!
It really helps to hear it from someone else!
Maria, I also agree that you’ve got a lot of interesting things to say (verbally and graphically).
I have a lot in common with you, personal-story-wise: I love science, I have one degree in science (biochemistry, in my case; although astrophysics is awesome too!) and another in literature. In the years after graduating college, I’ve found I will probably never work in my field. I can’t get hired at an entry-level job, and have no foreseeable way to make enough money to save for all the additional schooling I’d need to really pursue a scientific career. I became depressed before all this came to light, though, and I made the commitment to live about halfway through college.
I also have several friends who combine art and science in their lives: one woman with a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree worked as a scientific illustrator before going back to school to become a veterinarian, and another woman, in my same class in college, got degrees in physics and theater and wrote a play about a gamma-ray burst as her senior project.
A random question: is there a reason you choose English rather than Spanish as your language to write in?