I have removed this post because I am afraid that certain people in my life would try to use its contents against me. If you would like access to the content of this post, please feel free to email me introducing yourself and I’ll see what I can do.
February 27, 2009 by Anji
I have removed this post because I am afraid that certain people in my life would try to use its contents against me. If you would like access to the content of this post, please feel free to email me introducing yourself and I’ll see what I can do.
Hugs! The only words I have to comment with are ‘I understand’ xx
I understand too Anji. I’m so happy that you’re finding the support you need – even if it had to come to a suicide attempt first. Best of luck with the Day Treatment, I’ll be thinking of you. x
I am so glad that you’ve managed to find people who are able to help – stay strong
x
I’m so sorry you’ve suffered like this, and so glad you are courageous enough to write this for us (and yourself) to read.
I think most of us have the ‘competent mask’ thing, probably as a defense mechanism, where in reality it’s the worst thing we can do because nobody can see how bad it’s getting underneath that mask.
I really hope the day program makes a positive difference for you!
Hi Anji,
well done for writing all that so eloquently! It’s really fantastically explained.
I’m so sorry you’ve gone through such horrible experiences. They’re frighteningly similar to my own – same kindof symptoms, same kindof problems with the psych system. I really hope the day treatment works out for you and things get better.
The only direction you can go from a suicide attempt is up afterall.
xx
Just wanted to add my best wishes & thanks for sharing with us. I think you’re being very brave.
Hope the treatment helps. Although my problems are nowhere near as bad as yours, I can understand why having a label can be useful in getting help, understanding and validation.
wow this post knocked me sideways. i really hope that the day centre is helpful for you.
i’m also appalled (but not surprised) that you are having to wait 1 year for therapy. it’s disgraceful. only people with money can afford mental health eh?
wishing you all the best.
This may sound trite but it isn’t.
I don’t know you very well having only met you briefly once and read your pieces on line. However, having read what you’ve just written (wrote?) has me in tears.
This world would be a fuckingly shocking place without you!
xxx
my sister has been diagnosed with BPD from three different psychiatrists- but her current therapists refuses to identify it as such. This makes my sister feel even worse.
I read about BPD- and they had a checklist of criteria- and it was my sister word for word…
I just want her to get better… but she’s attempted suicide about 4 times now, and with each attempt loses more hope.
reading your account makes me feel better knowing that people are living with it… but I hope she sees you can live with it…
I just want her here.
Sorry Anji for only reading your post now. You are very brave to write about it, I really admire your courage. I still find it diffcult to speak/write about my past attempts as I still feel a mixture of shame and guilt, and the humiliation you experience at the hands of unaware A&E staff and on-call shrinks. And unaware friends.
“I can get better, or I can kill myself”..
And I totally understand that statement.
[...] a brave and powerful post and really admire Anji for having the courage and honesty to write it. [...]
First, hugs {{{{{{Anji}}}}}}. (Like that means anything. But I’ve spent too long on discussion boards with ridiculous amounts of smileys to be able to refrain from it. So you’re getting online hugs whether you want them or not.)
Second, I was somewhat surprised when they said borderline personality disorder, as I was reading your journal and kept seeing myself in what you wrote (starting with the whole “under diagnosed because I seem more put together than I am” thing), and I am definitely bipolar. As far as I can tell, it’s like borderline but with headbanging instead of cutting. (I kid. Sort of.)
Third, thank you. Really. Thank you for sharing this. Thank you for sticking around. Thank you.
I am so, so glad that someone linked to this blog, and that you wrote this post. Thank you… it’s brave, and I don’t mean that to sound trite. I’ve written a lot about my mental health and un-health, and my experiences over the years of treatment, but I’ve never had the guts to post such details about my suicide attempts on a public blog.
I have dual disordered schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, and so much of what you’ve written is incredibly familiar.
Other times I truly believe I am in some kind of real-life Truman show; that all of the people around me are actors, that everything that happens to me that seems to be new or spontaneous or random, is already written by a screenwriter, that people I do not know and will never meet are watching me on this grotesque reality television show.
I’ve spent months of my life trapped in this delusion. As odd as it sounds, it may comfort you to know it’s one of the most common delusions for people experiencing delusions to have. I found it strangely reassuring to know that this weird shit my brain was throwing at me was, at least in some sense, vaguely “normal”.
It’s sad that it took a suicide attempt to get the help I needed, but now I am being offered it I am going to do my best to make the most of it.
Yes, it really is sad… but again, not uncommon. Too often, non-neurotypical and mentally ill people get so good at faking normal that we convince both ourselves and everyone around us. It takes us falling apart for other people to notice, and for us to realise that we actually can’t (and shouldn’t have to) manage such an illness alone.
Good luck. It sounds like you have great support. I hope this medication change does its thing, and that the outpatient treatment gives you the tools you need to keep yourself healthy and safe.
I’ll be adding this blog to my blogroll.
Just wanted to say how sorry I was to read te above regarding Frederick, Oriion and the lady who was so depressed. I wish I could speak with her, as she was was so brave.
Hi,
I am new to this blogg. I stumbled across this post and it really resonates. I have had some very similar experiences, especially with the mythical creatures know as psychiatrists. I think I have seen one once. Not for a lack of trying. I can the feelings exactly, I felt I was wasting their time, I was a criminal, even worse that I was a silly little girl who needed to get a grip. (I was told that by a GP once). They didn’t seem to think I had a problem other than with substance abuse. I haven’t always had a problem with drink and drugs though. I told them that, it just became a form of sabotage. My moods are so volatile that it does two things, gives me a over story for being out of character and also lets me escape for a while.
I go in swings and roundabouts, I get so exhausted to the point were I want to die or disappear to thinking I can take on the world and then some. I am also cursed with the ability of being able to put up and maintain a facade of normality. I have tried to get treatment to no avail. I was given a box of tablets and leaflet about stress once.
I hope that I can find a safe place with this blog to get advice and support.
glad to have found you.
peace and solidarity ladies.