I think I should be perfect…

One of the things I’ve struggled with over the last few years is how my mental health has affected my career and vice versa. A large part of my identity has always been entwined with what I do and how well I do it, and it all started to unravel when I found myself deeply unhappy at work.

Obviously, the first thing I thought about was changing my job, but I wanted to stay in academic librarianship and there were very few positions available at the pay rate I was receiving. I did get interviews for all suitable vacancies in the vicinity, but didn’t get any of the jobs. This happened over the course of several months and I was gradually having more time off due to stress related illnesses such as IBS and asthma. Things spiralled downwards until I was routinely bursting into tears at home (though I did my best to hid tears and distress at work…), and feeling out of control. Ending in being off sick for several months.

Since I was a teenager I’ve always wanted to live by some “feminist ideals”- I wanted to go to Uni, get a well paid job, support myself financially, get my own place etc. I didn’t want to get married or be dependant on a man (though I always envisioned having a male partner). I managed all that, so it came as a shock when I realised I had depression. I shouldn’t be depressed! I was living by my ideals and hadn’t had any major upsets in my life.

However, through counselling and therapy I’ve realised I wasn’t just living my ideals, I was trying to be ideal… I put a lot of energy and care into trying to be very good at everything, and didn’t like to ask for help.

It all came back to that common cause of distorted thinking: Perfectionism.

Having to re-evaluate my life due to my ill health (mental & physical) has made me come to the somewhat painful realisation that I am not what I do. Therefore, my job can be just a job and I can be good at it without it being the major focus of my life. It doesn’t matter if the house is a mess, or what wage I’m earning (as long as we have enough to live on) or whether I’m the perfect friend. I can be me, with all my imperfections and the people who matter will still love me.

Now I just have to figure out how to be just me!

 

 

Prepping for Appointments

Shatterbox’s post about welfare services & meetings inspired me to write a bit about the numerous types of meetings I’ve had about my health in the last few years.

I’ve had to have meetings with GPs, Counsellors, CBT Therapists, Occupational Health Services, Line Managers, Section Managers, and Personnel Services. The anticipation of such meetings can make you feel a bit like this:

 

 Here are some of the ways I prepare myself for these meetings:

• Take in Written Notes

This may sound like overkill, but during the worst patches of my depression I would be in tears within seconds of trying to talk about my health, and the written notes allowed me to get my points across even when I was too distressed to speak. They also mean I don’t forget any important points or issues, and can steer discussions back to the areas I want to talk about. My current therapist actually found it pretty useful as it meant she had my case history in my words to refer to.

• Take Someone With You

I found it very helpful to have my boyfriend with me when I went to see my GP about anti-depressants, as I was still coming to terms with being diagnosed with depression, and it meant my boyfriend understood the situation as well. I have found it even more important to have support in my meetings at work with managers, personnel and occupational health. At one point I was having meetings with three senior managers and a rep from personnel at the same time! Four to one in a meeting does NOT help when you’re already feeling very vulnerable. I got my trade union involved and have a union case worker who attends meetings with me, which has been tremendously useful. Just knowing someone else is there with my interests in mind makes it easier to cope. If you’re not in a union then you could ask about taking a colleague with you to meetings instead.

• Talk It Over Beforehand

I also found it good to talk over the issues that were likely to come up beforehand with someone sympathetic. One of my counsellors helped me prepare for meetings about returning to work after a three month absence by discussing what might be a sensible return to work schedule and if there were any duties that would need to be monitored etc. At other times I’ve talked to family, friends and colleagues, depending on who would know the most about the particular situation. It helps me work out what I want to say and what I might want to put in writing.

• Avoid Worst Case Scenario Thinking

This one is very hard to do, especially if you’ve already had a bad experience with the people you’re meeting, and it’s only now that I’m in CBT that I’m beginning to get the hang of it myself. I have a tendency to dwell on whether I’ll get upset, whether they’ll listen to me, whether I’m failing to meet certain standards or expectations… all classic anxious/depressive thought patterns. When I catch myself thinking like this I have to challenge those thoughts - have all my meetings gone badly? No. Have I always got upset? No. Have I usually managed to get my points across due to my preparations? Yes.

Some appointments go well and some don’t, but they’re hoops I need to jump through so I might as well prepare for them.

 

Darkness Falls

As an introduction to some of my own experiences with mental health problems in the past I thought I’d share with you some autobiographical writing that I did in early 2006, when I ended up being off work for 3 months with depression.In the future I would like to share some of my experiences with occupational health services, counselling, cognitive behavioural therapy and chronic fatigue syndrome. I hope you find something in this post and others that you can relate to.—

Tears keep flowing and the pressure builds up behind my eyes making me want to scream, to do something to stop feeling like this. Little choking sobs rock me as I try to stop crying. I want them to be louder so that someone will come and comfort me, but I also don’t want to be seen like this, as a mess, and a failure. This wasn’t me; I don’t just randomly burst into tears and lie curled in a ball on my bed, but for something I’d been trying to avoid thinking about or denying, it sure was happening a lot.

I’m crying again, but this time it’s in the Doctors and now I have a label for the way I’m feeling, depression. I shouldn’t be depressed. What had I got to be depressed about? I have a loving partner and family, a house, a secure job, plenty of food on the table, far too many DVDs on the shelves and lots to look forward to. Okay, so we have a few debts, but nothing we can’t manage, and I haven’t lost anyone close to me or suffered any kind of trauma. I have no right to be depressed.

Surely I could just pull myself together and carry on regardless. My counsellor has pointed out I’ve been doing that for months. Despite being diagnosed with stress over six months ago I put on such a good show to the outside world that people think I’m still coping. I force myself into work and my colleagues comment I’m a bit more withdrawn than usual, but they don’t see the shear exhaustion I feel at home.

I walk into the kitchen and the piles of washing up stare back at me. Another example of the failure I have become, I can’t even keep the house clean. I could wash the dirty dishes, clean away the feeling of hopelessness but my legs feel like lead, my whole body weighs me down and the task seems monumental. I’d have to sort the plates into piles, run the water, put the washing up liquid in, scrub each item, especially all those fiddly bits of cutlery, then rinse items, dry them, put them away and wipe down the surfaces. Too much to handle, it’s far easier to just sit back down on the sofa and flick over to the Hallmark channel.

At the office I stare at my computer and slowly work through my emails. Once I’ve read them all I start at the beginning again trying to decide which to reply to first, but there’s so many to choose from. Perhaps I could do something else first? I can hear my colleagues talking, well not talking exactly more like moaning. That’s all we do nowadays. Every time you bump into someone or visit another office you hear all the latest problems and whinges, most of them are justified and that just makes it worse. I hear the hollow laughter in my throat as another person jokes about bumping off the boss and the cynicism in my voice as I shoot down another idea. At meetings, along with everyone else, I bow my head and avoid eye contact whenever a volunteer is asked for. The strained silence grates on my nerves and I find myself offering to be in charge of another project, to make people do things they’re not happy with, that I’m not happy with. Now I’m a failure and a hypocrite.

It’s got too much and I smile with relief as the Doctor signs me off for several weeks. Scrubbing plates with a sense of satisfaction I finally realise that I can’t change the way things are at work, but I can change me. I don’t have to be a victim or a hypocrite any more, how I react to circumstances is my choice. Easy to say, more difficult to do but I want my life back now, I’m fairly fed-up with the wan looking, fearful me, who’s stomach is always in knots.

The anti-depressants have kicked in, the tears come less often and I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully it will become bigger and brighter as I move toward it, even if the tunnel stretches into the distance…

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Do you suffer from depression? How would you decribe it to the people? Let us know about your experiences.

 Girlycomic