Do you know what really sucks? Social anxiety really sucks.
Today I was in the seemingly innocuous situation of a family birthday party for my 2 year old cousin (yes, I know, I have no life). But even surrounded by family in a safe place I found myself wishing that the ground would swallow me whole so I could escape the horrible, gnawing feelings of insecurity and discomfort. Around people that I love and who love me.
The thing is, I actually felt happy when I arrived at my cousin’s house with my parents. I felt love and warmth towards my relatives, grandparents, uncles, etc. Somehow, I can never translate that into something real. I end up locked fast in a prison that I build myself; one that keeps me undemonstrative and nearly completely mute. And I hate it – I hate how it feels to be this way, to be known for being this way.
But, for whatever reason, my brain won’t give me the easy answers I’m looking for that other people seem to grasp instinctively and without effort or consideration.
In other news, I’m considering looking for a different CBT psychologist (I know I am incredibly privileged to be able to come up with the money for a private therapist on a consistent basis). I find it really hard to talk to my current psych, who I’ve been seeing for more than a year. Actually, I just plain find it really difficult to talk. It’s hard to get the words out a lot of the time; I feel like an ent or a rock who, unused to speech, awakes from a thousand year slumber and finds it has to comunicate. The words come slowly and feel like they’re being dredged up from a deep, sticky pit.