Today is/was my birthday. I am now 25 years old and no closer to find an end to my lifelong depression and misery. Or a life path for that matter.
Today was a very miserable birthday. Probably the most miserable so far. But don’t take my word for it. Throughout my life, every birthday passed has been “the most miserable birthday so far”.
Despite feeling like utter crap the whole day, I had to put on a “happy act” for the people who trully care about me, you know, the people who “have” to love you, ‘cuz you are family. The “happy act”. I would be better at it after so many years of practise were it not because I abhor the idea of pretending everything is peachy to spare other people’s feelings. I understand WHY one has to do it. After all, it’s not “nice” to be openly honest and blurt out that one is considering ending one’s life on one’s birthday. But it all has a distinctive swift of “if people won’t be there for you when you need them, then they don’t really care that much, do they?”. So who is wrong here? Me for refusing to pretend things are peachy when they are not or the people who don’t want to listen to you if things are NOT peachy? Am I being an inconsiderate bitch or are my relationships with others merely superficial? Does the truth lie somewhere in the middle?
The saddest part is that all this happens with family, as I said, the people who “have to love you”. Again, it might be because I’m an inconsiderate bitch, and a selfish one at that, but I’ve never had friends who were “there for me” when things weren’t peachy. Then again, I’ve never had any friends when things were a tiny bit peachier either. But of course, things have never been all that peachy in my life, and maybe that’s why I’ve never had any friends in the first place, because people want to be with people who are all the peachy.
I didn’t mean for this post to turn into a depressive rant. I will understand if no one reads it/comments on it. And I will understand it even more if, after a few days, I find it so rubbish that I have to delete it. That said, I would like to know how other people feel on the subject of “relating to others” and how not being peachy affects it all.