Food addiction

Long time no writing from me – sorry! Anyway, I wanted to write a little about something that has affected me for as long as I can remember – basically as long as I’ve been depressed, which is as far back as I can recall, and that’s food addiction.

It manifests itself in me feeling desperate to eat food at times when I feel trapped, stressed, bored, ugly, lonely or sad.

I am only really beginning to start analysing myself and how I deal with my problem. I’ve gone through one major hurdle in that now I find myself knowing, as I eat, that I am doing this for a reason – to help me cope with the feelings – and I acknowledge that I am hurting myself by doing it, but also in the short term that I am helping myself and that it is a less damaging way, perhaps, to deal with feelings than some others.

Despite this, however, it makes me unhappy; I’ve always felt too big for my natural body, as if I’m wearing a fat suit made of my anxiety and addiction all the time. I know I need to start taking time out to deal with issues whenever I feel desperate for food. I know I need to start planning my weekly diet a bit better so I’ve got fruit and veg to plough through if it gets bad, as at least that will be nourishing for me as opposed to damaging.

I want to start writing about my addiction, because I find examining it through putting it down in words helps to break up the opacity of it – a lot of the time I feel as if I’m lost whenever I do it – as if I can’t pinpoint what it is that’s making me so upset.  Sometimes low levels of stress causes me to just casually overeat. Sometimes high levels of stress causes me to properly binge. But I would say I overeat most days of the week, some more than others.

It’s not going to be an easy thing to examine, but I feel that I want to start talking about it more. Any other women out there with a similar issue? Write to me in the comments!

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Big girls don’t get jobs?

There’s a great post over at The F-Word today from Abby O’Reilly on workplace discrimination towards overweight women, or women who are perceived as larger than whatever standards patriarchy decides to arbitrarily put in place. This is something I’ve been thinking a lot about recently, as I’m running the hellish gauntlet of job applications. In the past, I’ve largely worked for local governments, charities and not-for-profit organisations, and I think, to a certain extent, I’ve been protected from this kind of bullshit (although obviously I’m not saying that it doesn’t exist in these sort of places). But I’m just about to apply for a job with a publisher that is for profit. And I’m most definitely a size 16.

I have struggled with my weight for years, as I think I’ve mentioned on here before. However, recently I’ve been working through Fat Is A Feminist Issue with the Compulsive Eating Workshop I set up at Sussex Uni. and I actually think I might be losing a little weight. It doesn’t really matter to me, though. I am, for the first time in my life, actually starting to genuinely think I look good. It’s been a slow, painful struggle. Did I mention slow? Sometimes it feels as if you’re taking three steps forward and then being slingshotted a mile back, but starting to accept and maybe even love my body is what I’m concentrating on right now.

If I don’t get this job, I think I will inevitably wonder why, especially as I am very well qualified. Was it because I’m not a size 8 beauty? I’ll never know, and perhaps it’s not worth torturing myself. I’ve not been passed up for many jobs after the interview stage, as Abby O’Reilly has, and so probably need a few more refusals to really start getting worried about my income.

Have any of you guys suffered instances of discrimination at work based on your physical appearance?

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